7 Tips to Help Sore Losers
There’s no way around it, losing a game can be tough. It doesn’t matter if it’s competitive sports, academics, or a board game. You’ve invested your time, effort, and energy into something and it’s only natural to want to see positive results from that! While anyone at any age can struggle with losing, kids particularly can have a tough time.
Over the years we’ve learned a few different tricks that have helped our kids and others handle losing that you can easily implement in your own home. There’s no one size fits all approach, but hopefully you’ll find here a few tips, tricks, and at the very least support to help you as your gamers work to improve their losing skills.
Before Playing:
1. Manage Your Expectations
Whenever talking about kids, I like to start here. Sometimes the biggest issue standing in my way as a parent is expecting my kids to have reasonable, emotionally mature reactions.
It’s completely human to not like losing and sometimes emotions are going to run hot. If your game includes a moment of tears, a meltdown, or cries of “I’m not playing anymore!” know that it’s normal for kids to struggle.
I’ve also found that my outwardly visible frustrations can negatively impact the issue. Make sure to give yourself a little pep talk before playing so that if someone experiences big emotions, you’ll be ready to help them kindly.
2. Set Them up for Success
Make sure that everyone is in the right headspace prior to playing. If people are overly tired or maybe you don’t feel well equipped to deal with big emotions should they happen, it’s best to wait to play.
Also avoid choosing games that are too complex for their current skill level. Sometimes playing a game that is too hard can be stressful and overwhelming, especially if it feels like everyone else at the table understands what’s going on except them.
During the Game:
3. Focus on the Whole Game, Not Just the Result.
I try to put more focus on the effort that my kids are putting into the game rather than just the result.
This looks like commenting on things they’re doing well during the game.
“Great move there!”
“You really thought through your turn.”
“Thank you for dealing out the cards — that’s a big help!”
“You improved your score from last game! Nice work!”
I don’t go overboard, but sometimes these little notes of in game encouragement and acknowledgment do the most good for our more tender players.
4. Provide Opportunities to Lose with Quick Games
I cannot stress this tip enough. No one has ever learned a skill without first a lot practice. Providing your kids with opportunities to lose will be the best thing you can do in the long run.
If the thought of dealing with the negative behavior has you running the other way, try this:
Play lighting fast games that take mere minutes start to finish. This lowers their overall investment in the game, doesn’t give them a chance to build up the energy for a sore loss, and is easy to immediately play again for more practice. I credit this with helping our kids the most.
If you need some games for this try:
Gobblet Gobblers
Quixo
Similo
Trio
Spot It
Deduckto
I also have a dice game series on Instagram where I teach a new dice game that you can play quickly with simple 6 sided dice — these are great for exactly this purpose.
5. Model Good Sportsmanship
Make sure to model the behavior you want to see. Congratulate the winner after every game; remark about how much fun you had with everyone regardless of the outcome; let them see you playing a game with your spouse and being a good sport!
You know how they say that if you want your kids to read more then they should see you reading?
It’s the same with games!
After the Game
6. Talk About What Went Well
Quickly touching base a little bit after the game is a great way to reinforce skills you want to see again. It doesn’t have to be an extensive talk. I try to keep it really short and sweet.
Here are some examples:
“I had a lot of fun playing with you,”
“Thanks for joining in the game with us — I enjoyed you being there.”
“What was your favorite part of the game?”
“Congratulating your brother on his win really meant a lot to him, thanks for doing that.”
This also allows you to touch on if a loss wasn’t handled well. Make sure your kids know it’s okay to be upset about not winning; disappointment and frustration aren’t bad emotions to feel. Let them know you understand how frustrating it can be, encourage them to try again, and make sure they know how happy you are getting to spend time with them.
7. Role Play What they Should Do Next Time.
When my child has a meltdown — often they are extra frustrated with themselves because they wish they would have made a different choice but feel like they can’t now. What I love most about being a parent is getting to offer that second chance to them so they can show me what they wish they would have done. It looks often like first validating their feelings, asking if they’d like to try again, and then acting out together what they should have done.
This may not help avoid a sore loser moment in the game, but it will provide the understanding that they need to feel from you and the assurance that they can do better next time.
What About Cooperative Games?
Now you might have read all the above and find yourself wondering, “Why isn’t she recommending cooperative games???”
There are a lot of great cooperative games and if you think that’s something that is really going to benefit your loved one who is struggling with losing, you can hop right to these posts all about our favorite cooperative games for kids and cooperative games for families to find one that will be perfect for your crew!
But I just want to make two points on cooperative games as they relate to sore loser issues.
1. The competitive game itself often isn’t the problem.
A cooperative game isn’t some magical solution that is somehow devoid of the competitive juices that create a sore loser. The big emotions that lead to negative sore loser games stem first from an issue with the players emotional regulation skills. Those are what you want to work on and help them develop into a positive response.
A cooperative game might lessen the sting when a loss is shared, but if someone really hates losing, they aren’t necessarily going to hate it less just because other people lost too.
2. Cooperative Games Can Sometimes Lead to BIGGER Emotions
Let me be honest with you: our most memorable sore loser, game ending fights have all come from cooperative games. Cooperative games too easily become a solo game played with multiple people where one player will become the leader, whether by their own will or the implied appointment of their fellow players, and they will essentially make the decisions for the group. (This is called Alpha Gaming.)
Not only can this lead to resentment from the players towards the “leader,” causing conflict, but it can also have the opposite effect. It puts players in a position where if they feel they’ve messed up, then it’s not just their own game they’ve “ruined” but it’s the whole game for everyone. That’s a stressful situation to put someone in.
You’ve Got this!
If you’re reading this post, then it’s likely that you are struggling with this issue in one form or another in your family and are actively looking for ways to change it for the better. Know that we are cheering you on! With practice and gentle persistence, we know that you can help instill the positive sportsmanship skills you want to see in your home.
